(hat tip: http://www.joblo.com/bride-wars-poster )

To help understand why this blog is… like it so often is, here’s a little peek into how my mind works. Pictured below, ALMOST the poster for the best movie ever made:

Sadly, as it turns out “Bride Wars” is NOT in fact a movie wherein Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway star as a pair of strong-willed lesbian life-partners fighting the “war” over their right to legally marry and (one can only hope) embark on an eminently-photographable honeymoon – a film which, were it to exist, would be BOTH a powerful socio-political statement in the chief Civil Rights struggle of the age… a “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” for our time… AND ALSO almost-unquestionably the most astounding never-thought-I’d-live-to-see-THAT image to be captured on film since man setting foot upon the moon.

But, ’tis not to be. Instead, the movie is about two longtime gal pals fighting to see who can plan the most elaborate, opulent wedding. Oh, well.

Hey… y’know what would be a great twist, though? If, at or around the end of the second act one or both women crossed some kind of “line” in terms of their scheming and alienated their spouses-to-be and/or one another; setting in motion some soul-searching and an eventual realization that getting too wrapped up in the material trappings of such things can cause one to lose sight of what’s really important. No one would see THAT coming 😉

In the big strokes, in the trailers and at first glance; “Appaloosa” looks like a well-done entry in the subgenre of Westerns focusing on the strong, mostly-silent bond of friendship between a pair of lawmen. And that it is, but with a unique twist at the center that turns it from a straight-up Old West drama into something that’s one part romance, one part buddy movie and very nearly one part cynical pitch-dark relationship comedy – John Ford meets Neil LaBute and Kevin Smith.

Ed Harris (who also directed) and Viggo Mortensen are a pair of mercenary gunslingers running a martial-law-for-hire business, contracted by the dusty mining town of Appaloosa to deal with murderous carpetbagger/land-grabber Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons) and his gang of thugs. Harris’ Virgil Cole is a two-gun sly-talker while Mortensen’s Everett Hitch is the quiet man with the big 8-gauge shotgun. In the kind of quiet, well-observed character beat that typifies the film, Cole constantly pours over the works of Emerson… but relies on Hitch to explain what the big words mean. The bottom line of the relationship – at work or otherwise is just as simple: Cole does the talking and takes point, Hitch always has his back; even if that means holding him back when his volatile temper gets the best of him (there’s a definate “Searchers”-style post Civil War PTSD undercurrent to both men.)

The re-establishment of law in town and the confrontations with Bragg’s goons all go according to plan – not just Cole’s plan but the “plan” of the apocryphal laws of the Western genre (the two are nearly one and the same) right down to the one part that doesn’t: The arrival of Renee Zellweger’s Allison French – the innevitable beautiful, classy, too-fancy-by-far East Coast widow who – innevitably – stirs Cole’s stony old heart and gets him to start fancyin’ it’s time to give up the killin’ life and settle down. But then, the film takes a major left turn…



SPOILERS FOLLOW



She’s a total slut.

No, really. That’s the big “oh by the way” curveball of the story: Cole’s idealized perfect lady – who astounds him with such alien ways as bathing before bed, playing piano and introducing him to window treatments – is something akin to the Old West equivalent of a nymphomaniac (or, as Hitch puts it, “I think Allie NEEDS to be with a man.”) Not in mean way, not in a “liberated womanhood threatening the frontier tradition” way, not even in a mentally-unstable way… the gal just can’t seem to stand sleeping alone. She throws herself at Hitch first change she gets, doesn’t seem to need much coaxing to surrender to the bad guys and even seems capable of hooking up with Bragg – whoever the top man is at any given moment. THIS, of course, is a predicament that throws Cole into utter beffudlement.

The presence of this dynamic in an otherwise intentionally formula Western turns the whole world on it’s head, and the heart of the film is watching what’s essentially a “dude, my girlfriend is NUTS” movie play out between two old-school cowboys in the middle of an on-and-off shooting war with the bad guys. Harris’ unparalelled expressive acting betrays enough pain to keep it from being outright “hillarious,” but it’s definately a comic sight to see these two weathered gun-hands sussing out the situation as though Allie were a mysterious, strangely-afflicted breed of horse – sounding at times like a grim, well-spoken Old Timey Dante and Randall from “Clerks:” Cole loves her, wants her, even admires her but, as he puts it “seems she’ll fuck anything that ain’t a goat.” “She loves me when I’m around, then she loves you” he continues. Hitch agrees in the “simplest sense,” but offers that “I don’t think that’s love in strictest sense.” In many ways, this is every bit the “cowboys in uncharted territory” story that “Brokeback Mountain” was.

This is also where the film gets it’s ultimate dramatic final thrust: Hitch always has Cole’s back, it’s his function in life to protect him from threats he might not see coming. So what, if anything, can he do to stop Allie’s “condition” from hurting him when Cole is dead-set not to abandon her – and is it something he’s willing/able to do? After all, the Old West offers solutions to the problem of “my best friend is in love with the wrong woman” that the modern world doesn’t…

This was a nice surprise: An “offbeat” Western that works both as an action/drama and a slightly-skewed relationship piece. I liked it, I think a lot of you will, too.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

Yes, I saw it. Overall, considering I’m on the opposite side of most of the political points it’s lecturing on behalf of, I don’t think it’s awful. The out-and-out jokes mostly land funny, and as individual vignettes they work just fine. The problem is the structure and the intent: The imposition of the “Christmas Carol” narrative and the fact that director David Zucker has a point to make that, for him, supersedes the jokes causes too many of the “skits” to go flat. You end up with several genuinely amusing, clever “bits” that just DEFLATE before your eyes as Kelsey Grammer shows up in a General Patton costume to explain the premise of the joke, sagely intone the message and deliver the lesson he wants us to take from it. What’s more, it tries to go maudlin and serious in the third act, which is DEADLY in a movie like this. It’s a unique kind of failure, though.

In case you hadn’t heard of this (and, according to it’s DISASTEROUS opening weekend take, there’s a damn good chance of that) it’s David “Airplane!” Zucker’s satire of “liberal” politics, celebrities, interest-groups and Michael Moore in particular. It borrows the basic plot of “A Christmas Carol,” with Moore look-a-like documentarian Michael Malone (Kevin Farley, Chris Farley’s brother and actually very good in this) as he’s visited on the eve of July 4th by the ghosts of JFK, Patton, George Washington (Jon Voigt) and Trace Adkins as Death who try to show him the negative impact his anti-patriotism has on his own life and the rest of the country.

During the “journey,” some stopover skits include a visit to an alternate-reality South where Slavery still exists because Lincoln was against war, zombie ACLU lawyers, a dance number with aging-hippie College professors gleefully singing about how assured they are that the world situation today is EXACTLY the same as it was in 1968, Malone recieving the “Leni Reifenstahl Award for Documentary Filmmaking” and a visit to a pre-Pearl Harbor 40s anti-war “peace” rally (get it?) An interwoven secondary plot involves a trio of hapless Islamist terrorists (led by Robert Davi!) who are funding Malone’s next movie (unknown to him) as a front to stage an attack.

On their own, the sketches themselves are mostly funny… but the follow-up attempts at seriousness kill it. And when it gets into the ALL-serious stuff – like Washington taking Malone back to a freshly-collapsed Ground Zero to lambaste him for his actions and worldview – are just dead in the water. They stop the thing cold, agree or disagree with what’s being said.

Anyhoo… the punchline here is that it’s a dud. A huge flop. 0pened at #9, despite massive promotion to it’s target audience – in the “let’s make it a hit to prove a point” vein – on talk radio, Fox News and the web. Here’s the abridged version of some figures I dropped over at “Dirty Harry’s Place” – a largely sociable and open-minded Republican-leaning movie site – earlier tonight: (original link: http://www.dirtyharrysplace.com/ )

“I mean, after all, I’ve been reading boxoffice analysis on the right-wing blogosphere for YEARS whenever a “liberal” film fails to outgross “Titanic,” along with the repeated talking points about how this proves that A.) box-office is the only real indicator of quality because it reflects how “da folks” feel, that B.) “liberal” Hollywood is out of touch and that C.) they’re pissing money away because a “conservative” movie would be HUGE if only they made one. So it only seems right and proper to look close at the numbers on this one.”

Oops. Totally slipped my mind to post this, but a new Game OverThinker episode is up at Blog Numero Dos:
http://gameoverthinker.blogspot.com/2008/09/episode-thirteen-and-there-came-review.html

Also: “Blindness?” Nowhere near as bad as you’ve heard. Pretty good overall, actually. It’s kind of choppy in a narrative sense, and what’s left of the now-infamous Danny Glover narration is just SHOCKINGLY awful… but as a super-grim, allegory-heavy spin on the “outbreak” genre it works pretty well. I think for most audiences the big problem – as opposed to all the minor ones that keep it from being especially great – will be the structure: It’s two hours long, bangs the first act out in a couple of minutes, settles into what would ordinarily be a bridge-story for the entirety of the (very, very long) second act, then charges into what looks to be an “all hell breaks loose” third act but instead it just kind of drifts into a kind of melancholy ambiguity. Easier to admire than it is to like.

Oh, and while I’m here: Happened to catch the start of SNL as I was getting home tonight. Just lemme say: Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin? Yowza. It’s like the Reese’s Cup of Hot Librarian Fantasy (y’know, if Peanut Butter was funny as hell and Chocolate was from Alaska and staggeringly obnoxious.)

90% of the time when there’s no new post for a day or two, it’s because A.) nothing interesting is going on or B.) I’m having a really, really shitty day. Amazing how often those two intersect.

In any case, the 2-Disc “Iron Man” DVD is absolutely worth it, even with the near-criminal lack of commentary, just for the feature-length making-of doc on the 2nd disc. Some pretty interesting stuff in there, most notably a VERY candid Robert Downey Jr. who seems like the most “into-it” actor in any of these superhero movies so far. I mean, it’s one thing to READ all the business when it was coming out about how grateful he was for the opportunity, and how seriously he approached the role… it’s something else entirely to actually see him talking about it (in stuff taped BEFORE the film had opened and become a major hit) and realize “wow, yeah, he’s totally sincere about this.) Also, it’s fun to see how much this major-studio film seemed to resemble a seat-of-it’s-pants indie production in the actual making: major script revisions post-casting, crisis/opportunity weather, and sooo much awesome footage of actors and stuntmen stomping around in suits of prop-armor. Great stuff.

Speaking of great stuff, Nintendo of Japan just now (as in an hour ago) held a press-conference to show off upcoming material. The biggest news: New DS with camera and mp3 capabilities in 09, plus access to a DS version of the Wii Virtual Console to download oldschool Gameboy games. Most AWESOME news? Apparently, the rumored “classic-franchise revival” for Wii next year is… PUNCH-OUT!!! Yes, Punch-Out with (presumably) Wii-boxing controls. Glorious. Also from the “whoa” department: A new-gen sequel to “Sin & Punishment,” the legendary N64 shooter that non-Japan fans only got to (legally) enjoy via the Virtual Console last year. Wow.