I Don’t Care About Anthony Weiner’s Penis…

…BUT I’m not above aluding to it for attention ūüėČ

More after the jump, for benefit of people who have an issue with political stuff on the main page:

In case you hadn’t heard, Democrat Congressman Anthony Weiner – best (only?) known for being young, photogenic and willing to let fly with a catchy¬†firebrand eff-you quote directed at his Republican colleagues whenever anywhere near a TV camera – may or may not have Tweeted a picture of someone’s underwear-clad junk late Friday night, then quickly deleted it, and that the junk in question may or may not belong to Weiner himself, and may or may not have been originally meant as a private message to a college girl he may or may not be having an affair with. On the one hand, Occam’s Razor favors the “may” option. On the other hand, the folks driving the story are primarily working under utterly-discredited right-wing douchebag Andrew Breitbart; so “bullshit” is also totally feasible.

Whatever. I don’t really give a shit about stuff like this – I happen to like Weiner (get it out of your systems now, I’ll wait) and precisely NONE of the reasons I like him involve “seems like a guy who doesn’t cheat on his wife.” I don’t give two shits about the penny ante¬†moral-fortitude of – well… anything, technically, but especially politicians. Does he vote the way I’d prefer on things I care about? If YES, then I don’t give a shit about his “decency.” I want pro-choice federal judges, well-funded arts/sciences/infrastructure, a rigidly enforced barrier between Church and State and for “social conservative” lawmakers and lobbyists to go home every weekend squealin’ from the feelin’; and if I get those things the guys who do the gettin’ can fool around with whoever they like – at least until they’re within reach of their spouse, i.e. the ONLY person whose business¬†ANY of this is.

I’ve never really been able to understand WHY people react with such horror to politicians’ sex lives. Right now, Newt Gingrich is aaaaaalllll kinds of trouble because he fools around,¬†buys lavish gifts for women¬†and remarries a lot. Seriously? THAT’S the problem with Newt, as opposed to the mountains of other stupid/dangerous things he promotes and stands for? Being a not-terribly-attractive/charismatic guy who takes advantage of his¬†late-blooming fame and wealth to score chicks doesn’t make Gingrich a bad candidate for office – being a willing shill for corporate douchebags and religious-right assholes makes him a bad candidate; the other stuff just makes him slightly more relatable. (Though NOT “likable,” I stress – cheating isn’t cool, Newt ditching his dying wife for someone younger much less so.)

Innevitably, someone is going to come back on this with the old “if they cheat on their wife, they’ll cheat on The Country!!!” saw, which is one of those analogies that sounds pointed and insightful for all of a second before you realize it’s just DUMB. What the hell does “cheat on the country” mean? Are people worried that insufficiently-monogamous Presidents will start slipping out on the weekends to Govern some other younger, better-looking nation? Actually… maybe that IS what a depressing number of people are actually worried about – think about how often “you’d rather be Canadian!!!” is used as somebody’s idea of a slur against American liberals, or how frequently President Obama is derrided for seeming to have a preference for certain aspects of European culture over American.

Just once – ONCE! – I want to see a politician – ANY politicians –¬†of either party caught in one of these “sex scandals” get up¬†to the mic and give some version of the following statement:

“Hell yes, I had sex with that woman. And not just that one, either. A WHOLE bunch of women – seriously, you don’t even know. You know who DID know? My wife, here.” ::wife nods:: “Hell, she was THERE half the time!¬†Yeah, that’s right, we’ve got an ‘arrangement.’ It’s 2011, fucking deal with it. Oh, don’t misunderstand – she’s pissed off at me alright… pissed off that I got stupid and got CAUGHT and now we have to do this dance for you media dipshits. Hell, the only reason we didn’t just say this shit right upfront is that we were trying to get my ass ELECTED and you tools would’ve acted exactly like you’re acting now, on account of being beholden to a voting/media-consuming public about 50% of which actually DO care more about this meaningless¬†parochial bullshit than they do about things that actually effect their well-being.” ::wife makes obscene gesture at aghast NY Post Reporter:: “Well, guess what? This is me, this is us, this is how we roll. And WHILE I’ve been in office, all y’all made out DAMN well. You like all those well-paid cops and firefighters? You enjoy that properly-scheduled mass-transit and functional roads and rails? You’re welcome. Want it to keep comin’? FOUR MORE YEARS, bro!¬†OR, you wanna go and toss all that out and roll the dice because how we run our bedroom is soooooo offensive to you? Well then¬†good luck to ya, fucko – this press conference ALONE just landed me enough book deals, speaking engagements and ‘on-staff contributor’ gigs to live like royalty for the rest of our lives, so we’re all good. Now, if you’ll excuse us, the Missus and I have a dinner date with Miss July – don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be a tape in a month or two. DONE!”

And that’s why I am not a campaign manager.

"Bait 3D"

hat-tip: io9

Later this Summer we’re getting “Shark Night 3D,” a just-for-lulz B-movie about vacationing teenagers trapped in “salt water lake” that someone has filled with sharks. Not a bad premise, but the prospective PG13 rating doesn’t bode well for “Piranha”-level excellence.

So, instead, I’ll look forward to “Bait 3D,” an Australian(?) production wherein a sudden flood (tidal wave?)¬†during a grocery-store robbery traps a group of shoppers and robbers with a pack of hungry sharks carried-in by the water. Yes, really:


I like how “slick” it looks – the production values are pretty impressive, particularly for a movie about a shark attack in a grocery store.

"Happy Feet" Returns

Yeah, I’ll say it: I wanna see this.


George Miller’s original “Happy Feet” is easily one of the most bizzare family movies ever to be embraced as a mainstream hit (and Oscar winner!): Sold primarily in the guise of a cash-vacuum kiddie-flick about singing penguins, the actual film was something closer to a meta-commentary on the whole “singing animal” subgenre: The penguins are born capable of belting out pop-standards as a means of extra-sensory communication, and a “deformed” young bird (he can’t sing, but tapdances instead) ends up in conflict with¬†the Penguin Elders¬†over his contention that the collapse of their food supply and ecosystem has been caused by Alien Invaders (read: humans) rather than being¬†the will of the Penguin God. And yes, all this weirdness is acted out by – for the most part – photo-realistic CGI animals.

So… yeah, REALLY odd, unique movie; even if most people only remember it for the cute baby penguins – who, of course, star in this trailer.

Supposedly¬†most of the original cast is back in¬†some form, save – sadly – for Brittany Murphy, who passed away last year¬†and has been replaced by Pink.¬†On the worrisome side – the¬†one penguin¬†at the end looks like Mumble as a baby again; so I hope this isn’t an “in-between-quel.”

Takashi Miike to direct "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney" Movie!!!

HELL. FUCKING. YES.

Takashi Miike – one of Japan’s most prolific and unusual filmmakers – has signed to direct the live-action adaptation of “Ace Attorney” video games. For a stateside comparison… I don’t know that there is one, but it’s pretty damn awesome.


For reference, here’s two examples of what tends to happen when Miike dips into material of this nature: The trailers for the anime-adaptation “Yatterman” and “Zebra Man 2: Attack on Zebra City”:

Awesome.

Plugged

This week’s (excellent) Extra Credits threw a plug to one of my personal favorite old(er) Game OverThinker episodes. Here’s the EC (though you should already be watching this every Thursday anyway…)

http://cdn2.themis-media.com/media/global/movies/player/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.5.swf

And here’s the episode they were referencing, if you’ve come here looking:

http://v.giantrealm.com/saf/272828ab50091da6eb1ae85133def12ae9a44eb4

Many thanks, as always, to James, Dan, Allison etc.

Smurfs Trailer

Memo to Neil Patrick Harris: You’ve already proven that you’re the coolest cat on the planet, and thus can come out of even the most awful project clean and unharmed. You don’t need to test that theory by appearing in shit like this:


For those without the fortitude to actually watch the damned thing – a position I can respect – here’s the basic rundown:

The question of “how do you make a big-budget movie out of The Smurfs?” has been answered: They didn’t. The CGI used to render the Smurfs themselves (which you’d think would be the ONLY thing you HAVE to get right on this) looks shockingly bad, and Hank Azaria’s Gargamel makeup looks like something that wouldn’t pass muster as a store-bought Halloween kit.

Yes, they do a “Blue Man Group” joke.

Yes, it sounds like we can look forward to a dance-remix version of the theme song.

Yes, there’s a gag dedicated to how lame something from the series was (the theme song, again.)

Yes, scene with a Smurf falling in a toilet.

Azrael appears to be played by a real cat, which is going to make it kinda uncomfortable when The Smurfs have to beat up on her(?)

An Epic For Our Age

Via EW…
The whole “race to the bottom” story of studios greenlighting a “franchise movie” based on ANYTHING seems to have cooled down a bit, as high-profile “what, really?” projects like Monopoly and Stretch Armstrong stalled out, but a few of the early pickups from the initial feeding-frenzy are still en-route; and one of them is getting closer to reality… “CANDY LAND: THE MOVIE.”


I’m reasonably certain most everyone played this at one point, right? It’s basically a “roll the dice and move” game for pre-literate children, so drawing random color-cards replaced a dice or number-wheel.

What’s ironic is that it probably lends itself more readily to a movie than, say, “Battleship” because there was a nominal narrative and set of characters attached to hold the kiddie’s interest. So very, very soon we may learn which actors-in-need-of-work will be vying for such choice roles as King Kandy (tailor-made for aging, retirement-minded British thespians!) Queen Frostine (“hottie” TV actresses making the jump to features?) and mincing, vaugely-“fey” villain Lord Licorice (Mr. Depp? Mr. Cage? Start your engines.)

The “big story,” of course, is this delightful quote offered¬†to EW¬†by Glenn Berger,¬†one of the films two (!!!) writers, about their ambitious vision for the project:

‚ÄúWe envision it as Lord of The Rings, but set in a world of candy.‚ÄĚ

And elaborating…

‚ÄúWe don‚Äôt see it as a movie based on a board game, although it has characters from that world and takes the idea of people finding themselves in a world that happens to be made entirely of candy where there are huge battles going on,‚ÄĚ Berger says. ‚ÄúWe are going for real comedy, real action, and real emotions at stake.‚ÄĚ

Y’know what? Fuck it. Fuck being snarky. I want this movie to come out NOW. I want to see the Battle of Pelennor Fields being fought by gingerbread men¬†with giant-ass peppermint sticks and lollipops. I want to see $200 Million worth of CGI used to render a giant fortress made of Licorice. I want to see Mr. Mint wailing on dudes with his axe. I want to see Plumpy getting the ever-living shit beaten out of him – don’t care what context.