This is why South Park still matters

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Just got done watching the newest “South Park,” titled “Dances With Smurfs.” Let it be said for the record that not only do Parker and Stone now officially hold the Heavyweight Championship in the category of Glenn Beck mockery; but that the long, drawn-out “are they really going there” reveal of what they’re really looking to slap-around is one of the best “South Park Misdirections” ever, easily.

As usual, you can watch the whole thing at southparkstudios.com right now:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/251890

That’ll do nicely

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Below, the trailer for the Louis Leterrier directed remake of “Clash of The Titans.”

I just want to point something out here: The very first thing we see in this trailer is a giant scorpion. Not the stars. Not the locations. Not an important object or even an inkling of the plot. GIANT. FUCKING. SCORPION. I’m sold. This looks awesome.

And why am I apparently the only guy on the web who doesn’t find something inappropriate about the heavy metal in the trailer? It’s 67 seconds of angry bloody dudes in swordfights with giant scorpions, Medusa and The Gods – this is EXACTLY where Metal is supposed to go!

…and you don’t even have to play it backwards!

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Here’s a bit of a flip-side “rhyme” entry to the Natalie-Portman-becomes-veganism-evangelist piece from last Thursday: Actor Adam Baldwin – impressively still riding on the geek-godhood train evidently granted everyone who was on “Firefly” – believes that he has detected a sinister, subversive message hiding deep within the popular culture… specifically, hiding deep within the 1970s “Sesame Street” tune “We All Sing The Same Song.”

No, really. Here’s some money-quotes:

“Yet, embedded in its visually intoxicating muppetry and otherwise innocently entertaining educational content there lurks highly controversial political messages designed to promote multiculturalism and global citizenship”

“A main tenet of the multiculturalism and Enviro-Statism inculcated by Modern Liberal educators and as practiced on “Sesame Street” — exemplified in “We All Sing the Same Song,” is the diminishment of the unique greatness of American culture.”

But to get the full effect, you really need to check out the whole thing. Here’s his initial article:
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/abaldwin/2009/11/03/sesame-street-all-monsters-are-equal/

And here’s the follow-up piece:
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/abaldwin/2009/11/09/sesame-street-habitat-for-political-correctness/

And, of course, to complete the picture, here’s the vile work of propaganda that’s got him so worked-up in the first place:

"Boondock Saints" press event

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Part of the lead-up to having review-screened “Boondock Saints” last week was the opportunity to sit down for a roundtable interview with Troy Duffy, Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus and Billy Connolly. Coverage of the event, and some more specific ruminations about the film and it’s following, can now be found in this weeks “Intermission” article:

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/columns/moviebob/6742-Oh-I-Want-to-Be-in-That-Number

I wonder which word they WON’T be using if it underperforms at the boxoffice…

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Points for cojones, at least. Barrie Osbourne is producing a biopic of Muhammad:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2009/nov/02/matrix-producer-plans-muhammad-biopic

They’ll be using the same format as Moustaphha Akkad’s “The Messenger” back in the 70s: i.e. avoiding the taboo depiction of The Prophet via camera placement and POV shots.

Y’know what’ll be nice about this? A near-total lack of controversy. Since there’s no chance that nutters in America will protest, calling it “terrorist propaganda;” that anyone in the actual Middle East will stage ultraviolent mass demonstrations against it, or that members of other world religions will piss and moan about Hollywood being “nice” to Muslims and “mean” to them. Nope, should be a pretty uneventful production… 😉

Berentein Bears… really?

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So say The USA Today, Shawn Levy – the Michael Bay of safe, empty family-comedy – will direct a live-action (huh?) adaptation of “The Berenstein Bears” for Walden Media:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2009-11-03-Berenstainbears03_ST_N.htm

A series of children’s books spanning a few decades or so by now, the main setup is basically your average nuclear-family sitcom cast with talking bears: Doltish but well-meaning father, emminently wise mother, troublemaking son, bratty daughter. I always thought Mama Bear came off as kind of a bitch, honestly…

This, I guess, is the price we’ll have to pay for “Where the Wild Things Are.”

The books are basically self-contained life-lessons without much in the way of antagonists or continuity, so apparently Levy’s film will make use of “kiddie franchise adaptation plot #6:” Transporting the characters to “the real world” to interact with incredulous humans. Because that was such a good idea in “Fat Albert.” I eagerly await seeing which popular youth sport Brother Bear will show hitherto unheard of proficiency at, what sort of “wacky” modern clothes Sister Bear will wind up in during the innevitable makeover-with-new-friends scene, and finding out which big chain store will plunk down the product-placement dollars for the honor of having Mama and Papa get lost in – amazed at all the crazy technology and gadgets. I think I remember that Papa was supposed to be a lumberjack, so hopefull there’s a scene where he gets his hand on a chainsaw. (You can have that one for free, Shawn.)

Must be tofu, cuz beef don’t shake like that

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So, apparently, I must now add “Veganism” to the ever-growing list of “things I have to pretend to like if I ever meet Natalie Portman”:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-portman/jonathan-safran-foers-iea_b_334407.html

For the record: I don’t really have any “problem” with Vegans, though I DO have a problem with Natalie Portman becoming one. Namely… well, remember “Closer?” “Hotel Chevalier?” Yeah… that figure is just NOT going to exist under a veggies-only diet. Ah, well…

One of the things that has always perplexed me about vegetarianism (and hardline animal-liberation ideology in general) is how often it’s framed as a kind of mutual-morality issue: That it’s wrong to eat or experiment on animals because some believe they are just as capable of emotion, emotional-reaction and even moral reasoning as human beings are. To me, that seems backwards… I’M against cruelty to animals largely because I’m inclined to conclude that they AREN’T capable of moral-reasoning – at least not to the degree we are.

See, I’ve met TONS of human beings who deserve to be treated unkindly, to say nothing of outright CRUELLY – mostly because that’s how they’ve treated myself and others. Hitler deserved to be treated with cruelty. Osama bin Laden deserves cruelty. Have you ever heard of an animal that did anything to deserve the same? I certainly haven’t.

For all anyone has been able to prove scientifically, animals are TOTAL innocents: moral/ethical “blanks;” which means they aren’t capable of EVIL. If, on the other hand, we were to prove that they were capable of good, logic would dictate that they are ALSO capable of evil – one cannot exist without the other. Wouldn’t this, then, mean that a simple solution to the problem of how to consume meat protein without harming something “good” be to eat only the “bad” animals? Surely, it couldn’t be hard to find and execute the Hitler of Cows or the Manson of Turkeys, yes?

Science could probably make this whole thing irrelevant if they wanted to: If we can clone whole animals effectively, it can’t be too far of a step to only clone PARTS of them. Imagine being able to GROW edible cuts of meat without having to worry about the pain inflicted on a whole steer…