hat-tip: Chud

I was never all that fond of “Scream,” detested it’s sequels, loathed about 90% of the “modern-slasher” films it inspired and have absolutely no reason to believe that “Scream 4” will be worth anything close to a damn. In other words, I’m the LAST person whose supposed to get excited for a movie that’s basically trying to out-Scream “Scream.” However, when said film comes from Joseph “I Was Neo-Grindhouse Before It Was Cool” Kahn, director of the marvelously insane “Torque” (seriously, click that link – the ONLY good movie to come out of the post-Fast&Furious “gearhead-douchebag” genre) and looks quite literally like “Scream” + cojones? Alright, you’ve got my attention. Yes, even with That Guy in it.

http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:uma:video:mtv.com:627531

(cross-posted from The Other Blog)

Everything at once maddening yet undeniable about Nintendo’s dual-existence as a corporate entity and Colonial Governor of a generation’s memories; summarized in a single image:

And… there you have it. Waaaay more than half of any fans “on the fence” about the 3DS just made up their mind. That’s another several-million systems presold, regardless of price or availability. Not because of a feature, or because of a full-lineup, or even because of a tangible game… but because they’ve vaguely intimated that we might at some point see Tanooki (re: Raccoon) Mario again after a 22 year absence.

THIS is why everyone else whose ever tried to sell a handheld console went bald early.

The next time I hear someone wonder aloud in false-bewilderment, “why does the rest of the civilized world think Americans are stupid?;” THIS will be my go-to answer…

(obligatory warning that remaining body of post may contain politics and/or opinions thereupon.)

A 9 week-old fetus is being called to testify as a witness before the Ohio State Legislature in support of the so-called “Heartbeat Bill,” which would outlaw any abortion in the state once a heartbeat is detectable.

To be clear: They aren’t speaking in symbolic terms – proponents of the bill, specifically a hardline anti-abortion outfit called “Faith2Action,” are going to bring a pregnant woman before the Legislature and project her live ultrasound onto a screen. This is a real thing, happening in 2011.

I’m honestly dumbstruck that this isn’t a prank of some kind… it’s like something a six year-old would think up as an Earth Day gesture: “Sirs, this my fwend mister squirrel. He wivs in th fowest, and he wants you to pwetty pwease not cut down his house to make the new highway.” The next time they hold hearings about a video-game ban, can I have the testimony of my Nintendog or Level-30 Snorlax read into evidence? Note the almost poetic perfection, incidentally, of the fact that they aren’t simply asking the pregnant woman to speak, eh?

Meanwhile, for the sake of contrast, here’s what “politics of abortion news” looks like in a grownup country, specifically The UK: The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists has issued new guidelines for doctors, nurses and counselors of pregnant women considering termination – it is now official policy to inform said women that abortion is generally safer than continuing a pregnancy to term, and that the majority of women do not suffer any psychological harm.

For my international readers, please understand – even though the UK story can be accurately summarized as “doctor’s reminded to tell the truth,” the likelihood of any similar agency even considering using that same language is next to nil. That’s how far behind we are – truth, along with science and facts, are “controversial” in that they offend the sensibilities of those who choose to ignore them.

And people wonder why I’m a pessimist?

http://cdn2.themis-media.com/media/global/movies/player/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.5.swf

The Escapist decided to let Your’s Truly, Zero Punctation’s Yahtzee and Extra Credits’ James Portnow have a lil’ email debate and assemble the result into a column. In other words: Two of the most important voices in the gaming world… and, for some reason, also me 😉

Here we are, debating the state of console gaming: Take a look.

Feh.

Near-sweep for a safe, milquetoast, wholly-uninteresting bit of Weinstein-backed mediocrity in the top categories, the better among the nominees get to settle for cleaning up in the tech categories.

Feels like old times 😉

CBM has your first (posted) look at the trailer for the new iteration of “Thundercats.”

All the leaping, whooshing-backdrops, etc. won’t do anything to assuage the irrational, blinding hatred some people have for Anime design-sensibilities (ironic, given that the original show’s lasting-legacy is that it’s animators eventually became Studio Ghibli) but in some respects it looks almost absurdly-faithful: The quick glimpse of Mumm-Ra could be a direct lift, and even Snarf seems to have made it over.

And I’ll say it: “Teenage Lion-O” is an improvement. It’s destined to become the poster child for fanboy bellyaching over “chickification” (his nickname will be Lion-Emo, calling it now) but one of the goofier things about the original series was that Lion-O was written as an impulsive, immature “kid” who the others were tasked with whipping into leadership-shape… but he was drawn and voiced with the same generic deep-voiced muscleman persona as every other would-be He-Man of the 80s. Assuming the premise is even somewhat close, making him look closer to 18 than 35 makes more sense. I also like that they look more like cat-people than people in bodypaint.

The real question, of course, is whether the intended audience for this – actual children far too young to remember or give a damn about an admittedly-obscure relic of the mid-80s – will actually care.

I recognize that I’m in the minority of people who A.) really enjoyed the first “GI Joe” movie and B.) was dissapointed that director Stephen Sommers wasn’tgoing to return for the sequel. I still contend that, had everyone been wearing a “faithful” uniform, you essentially would’ve had a live-action episode of the series – what else did people want?

In any case, I’m now given to genuine curiousity as to what the fans holding out hope for a gritty, mature, hardcore reimagining of, eh… nicknamed super-soldiers fighting snake-themed terrorists… will make of the new boss-man, John Chu – director of the later two “Step Up” sequels and the Justin Beiber movie.

…yeah, that’s what I thought.

Chu has actually been lobbying pretty heavily for the gig – he’s only about 33, i.e. the right age to have been a fan of the show and/or toys. No word on if he is/was, though if he so much as nodded approvingly at an episode while channel-surfing back in the day you can bet he’ll be described as “a big fan” in the studio press.

This’ll be easily the biggest thing he’s ever had his name on, and it’s actually something of a coup (the boxoffice for the Beiber movie probably put him over the top) for a new guy on the scene. He’s been one of those lauded USC wunderkinds people have been expecting to break out for awhile now, with credits on mostly videos and dance material until now… though I learn from the IMDB that he was apparently inside one of the monster-suits in “Freaked,” so that’s pretty cool.

Incidentally, I was in a roundtable interview a few weeks back with Channing Tatum during the “Eagle” press tour, and since – shockingly! – everyone ran out of Eagle questions pretty quick I asked him if he was going to do GI Joe 2. He said yes, but had no idea what was going on with the script, which he thought might be a “reboot” or something of the kind. So… there’s that.

http://cdn2.themis-media.com/media/global/movies/player/flowplayer.commercial-3.2.5.swf

Intermission: The Farrelly Bros.

“Hall Pass,” which opens today, is about two middle-aged upscale-suburban married guys (Owen Wilson and Jason Sudekis) getting into hijinks during a weeklong “hiatus” from marriage (or, rather, from marital-fidelity) bestowed by their fed-up wives (summary of charges: they check out other women). The logic at play is that married men “romanticize” their single days, and being reminded how difficult the dating scene is – and how out-of-practice they are – will bludgeon the guys into appreciation of of homebody-hood.

Dopey premise, to be sure, especially when you remember that no mainstream comedy would DARE let the story go in any direction other than “monogamy: It’s the bee’s kness!” But it’s got it’s moments, and it’s a step back up to “average” for the Farrelly Bros. after “Heartbreak Kid.” Except… something about it just rang incredibly false to me, and I’m a little annoyed that it took this long for me to pinpoint it.

SPOILERS ON!

Okay, so… wicked-shocker: They don’t really get much action, and 90% of the comedy is seeing them strike out in bars, clubs, resturaunts, massage-parlors, whatever. Now, admittedly, it’s about what you’d expect from two married suburbanites trying to jump back into the game… but for some reason I wasn’t buying it. At all. I couldn’t really explain it, and then it hit me (literally) a minute or two ago: The internet doesn’t seem to exist in this movie.

Think about it: This premise has ZERO verisimilitude in the age of the online-hookup. These guys aren’t trying to have affairs, they’re openly just going for a succession of one-night-stands. And they aren’t exactly paupers – these are well-off dudes with big houses in the burbs. What the FUCK are they doing on the club scene!? “Married men seeking discreet quickie” is their predicament in the movie – but in real life it’s the near-literal selling point of hundreds of extremely lucrative businesses. But it NEVER comes up once in the movie! (Unless I missed it.)

Am I nuts, or is this up there with doing a present-day “lost in the woods” movie and not even addressing cell-phones? I mean, show of hands – if any married 40something guy you know got this kind of “Pass” from his wife in the real world… his first (or at least within-first-five) “moves” is to get on the equivalent of Craigslist, no?