http://static.themis-media.com/media/global/movies/player/flowplayer.commercial-3.1.1.swf

I’m as surprised as you are.

Just saw. Review will probably be up at Escapist tomorrow afternoon. But, very briefly:

This is one nutty movie, and I think it’s the most “action” fun I’ve had at any movie this summer unless you want to count “Up” as action. It’s as malnutritious as a giant bowl of Count Chocula, but it’s also every bit as fun and nostalgiac. The whole thing plays out like they dumped a bucket of Joe figures on the floor with a couple of little kids, TRANSCRIBED the ensuing afternoon’s make-believe session (“And then Snake Eyes was there! And then Storm Shadow came, and they had a fight! And then the two girls had a fight! And one of them could be invisible! And then Storm Shadow had a jet-pack! And then…”) and spent $175 Million making a 90-minute movie out of it. I regard this as high praise… I’m not sure everyone else will.

But I think EVERYONE should at least go see it, because I like this as a “template” of how to do these better than “Transformers.” Ninja-with-a-jetpack wins every time 😉

Chris Rock has been struggling for a long time now trying to find a movie vehicle that allows him to be as funny AND smart as he is in his standup… easier said than done for black comic actors not named Will Smith or Eddie Murphy. Previously the closest he got was “Head of State,” a wildly-uneven, already-forgotten boxoffice dud centered around the ka-raaaaazy premise of a Black presidential candidate… 😉

Now he’s produced his own film, a comic documentary about the hugely-profitable yet (to most white people, myself included) business of special chemical, treatments and equipment to “straighten” black women’s hair; plus the offbeat, somewhat-troubling cultural issues surrounding it:

I’d say this looks like the Chris Rock movie I’ve been waiting for.

John Hughes is dead at 59 (59!!??)

He apparently died of a heart-attack while out for a walk.

There is nothing funny about this. At all.

A quick case-study in how – in this age of the “end of the print critic” – mainstream-media film reporting is generally done by high-functioning morons:

FIRST, here’s Robert Downey Jr. giving a colorfully-flippant description of his upcoming “Sherlock Holmes” re-imagining’s fresh take (some have called it an Apatow-style “bromance” variation) on the franchise central relationship:
DOWNEY: “We’re two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It’s bad-ass,”

Okay, show of hands: We all “get” that he’s being ‘cute,’ matter-of-factly describing the relationship in a shorthand that sounds like something that it isn’t, yes? Well, here’s how the New York Post put it: http://www.nypost.com/seven/08042009/gossip/pagesix/gay_sherlock_holmes_could_backfire_for_g_182825.htm

Headline: “GAY TWIST ON SHERLOCK HOLMES COULD BACKFIRE FOR GUY RITCHIE.” Yeah.

This comes to us courtesy the “Page Six” section, which for good measure goes to once-respected film critic turned right wing quote-monger Michael Medved to get his response to their misrepres… er… I mean “news story.”

MEDVED: “I think they’re just trying to generate controversy . . . They know that making Holmes and Watson homosexual will take away two-thirds of their box office.”

In other words, even MICHAEL friggin’ MEDVED ‘gets’ that the quote is in jest. When you can’t even get MEDVED to go along with your sensational non-story, you know you’ve crossed a “stupid-line.”

This, of course, does not STOP the story from being linkable at Andrew Breitbart’s right-wing movie-buff circle-jerk known as “Big Hollywood,” under the headline “SHERLOCK HOLMES, DR. WATSON HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP IN NEW FILM.”
http://bighollywood.breitbart.com/

“Big Hollywood,” it may also be noted, has published FOUR stories in the past two days on the subject of FURY at the supposed lack of patriotism in the new G.I. Joe movie. None of the four stories come from sources who have actually SEEN the film.

Lesson over.

A popular thing in certain circles these days are trying to get states to pass what are called “Ultrasound Bills.” Essentially, these are laws requiring women who’re seeking to terminate a pregnancy to undergo and view an ultrasound prior to making their final decision. It’s quasi-justified under the theme of requiring “full disclosure” of information; but – regardless of where you stand on the “abortion issue” – I think most reasonable people can see that the hoped-for result (those pushing the bills are pro-life lobbyists pretty-much right down the line) is for patients to be swayed away from abortion by an emotional-reaction to the sight of the fetus moving around. Because, as anyone who has had to commute, work in retail or visit the DMV lately can tell you, the one thing the world DESPERATELY needs is more people in it…

Well, points for creativity to the Quiverfull set, in any case. Know what I’d LOVE to see, though? For a pro-choice group to, in the name of “equal time” put up a bill ALSO requiring women seeking abortions to – before or after the ultrasound – sit in a room with a dozen speakers blasting the sound of high-pitched teething-screams while an automated paintball gun fires volleys of pureed-squash at her face and vents pump in the distinct aroma of a malfunctioning Diaper Genie.

Think the Ultrasound Bill folks would be cool with that? One tasteless, base appeal to short-term emotion-based reaction is as good as another, no? After all, it’s just about making sure she gets ALL the information she can, right? 😉

Don’t even start. Long week. Anyway…

Have y’ever noticed that American political party’s “pet issues” are usually NOT things that are especially popular or “important” to voters (statistics-nuts please note use of the word “voters” and not the more all-inclusive “citizens” or “Americans”)? Take the Democrats: currently tearing eachother apart over Universal Health Care even though voters tend to be ambivalent about it (I don’t say that as a positive or negative, just as a fact.) Or, if you like, the Republicans – ALWAYS ready to go with the less-electable candidate in the name of pandering to the anti-abortion/anti-gay crowd even though neither of those positions constitute an overwhelming voter majority.

Political Parties, it seems to me, are primarily in the business of keeping and holding power (read: their jobs) for as long as possible, and that’s more-or-less the explanation for this phenomenon: They both want things that can “shore-up” a go-to base of massive GARAUNTEED votes each time an election rolls around.

That’s why Democrats have been obsessed with passing all-encompassing health insurance (again, this isn’t about whether or not you think it’s a good idea) for decades: A large group of (mostly) impoverished people getting (mostly) free health-care becomes a large group of people who you can scare into voting for you every cycle because “the other guys will take that away from you!” Sure, plenty of Democrats probably think it’s the good/moral thing to do anyway (President Obama certainly seems to); but make no mistake: NO idea in politics has traction if it doesn’t increase the staying-power of the party. Republicans are running the same exact game when it comes to abortion. They WANT an all-encompassing ban on the procedure so they can turn around and whip up the base every two years by telling them: “If you don’t re-elect us, the OTHER GUYS will start KILLIN’ BABIES again!”

Meanwhile, the economy is still crumbling, the ecosystem is destabilizing, an American soldier is still being held by The Taliban, and none of our leaders seem to think any of this is priority #1.

“G.I. Joe” will be out next week, an event which will likely mark a “sink or swim” moment for the burgeoning subgenre of “action films based on animated TV programs which actually advertisments for action figures” (someone needs to “name” this) in as much as it’s the first one to come out post-“Transformers” and trends are gauged by how much the subsequent entries play out. Remember, when the first “Batman” movie hit in 1989 everyone assumed the start of a “superhero boom” and HUNDREDS of comic book movies were optioned… but most of them never got made and most of those that did didn’t pan out very well. The genre slid into dormancy for years, only to eventually reawaken after the one-two punch of “Blade” and “X-Men” and the subsequent “Spider-Man” knockout.

Here’s my question: What exactly does “G.I. Joe” have to do to be considered an artistic failure, objectively? I mean, once it’s out it’ll be only the SECOND entry into the entire genre, and let’s face it: You KNOW it’s going to be better than “Transformers” because EVERYTHING is better than “Transformers.” So… is that it? Does Joe automatically get to be the “best ______-movie EVER” and that’s that, or does there need to be some other standard applied because this particular test is too easy to pass?

Linked below (hat-tip: Kotaku), the two most “talked about” (read: complained about) poster images advertising “Halo Legends,” a DVD project in the vein of “Animatrix” wherein a collection of top-tier Anime production houses will produce animated short-films set in and around the universe of the “Halo” video games…

http://kotaku.com/5324119//gallery/?selectedImage=3

It’s kinda weird, for me, to see Halo looking… well, interesting and visually-dynamic all of the sudden. Y’see that up there? That’s an image I’d expect to find on a golden-age pulp-scifi magazine or 80s NES game box-art, not in association with the incredibly bland Halo universe.

There was no way this wasn’t going to turn out interesting on a culture-clash basis alone: Halo – alongside the entire First Person Shooter genre – may as well not even exist in Japan, where all these films are coming out of, firstly. Secondly, for a larger-than-you’d-think number of it’s devoted fans, Halo has become a kind of rallying-point for Western gamers who HATE the prevelance of the Japanese aesthetic in the medium. That’s why I like THIS one the best:

http://kotaku.com/5324119//gallery/?selectedImage=4

Sunny day, field of flowers, woman’s hands holding a teddy bear charm. I love this image. I love it because it looks as though Production IG is deliberately whacking the hornet’s nest in regards to Halo’s angrier fans. It makes me picture thousands upon thousands of backward-ballcap’d, gold-chained, 13 year-old suburban douchebags collapsing to their knees, fists shaking at their sides, staring up at their framed posters of Tony Montana and Dominic Toretto with tear-filled eyes, screaming at the heavens “RAARRGHHH!!! TEH JAPS R TURNIN’ MASTER CHIEF INTO TEH GHEY!!!!!”

I picture that, and it makes me smile 😉

The first generation to be aware of the existance of Alzheimer’s BEFORE most of them were old enough to have to consider the possibility is turning 60 faster every day. How long until we see the first of what will be MANY “Rear Window” variations on the theme of “I saw a murder (or did I?) and no one will believe me because I’ve been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s!!!” movies? This’ll be BIG with aging leading-men.

“Dad… I know what you THINK you saw…”

“I KNOW what I saw!!!!” ::throws medication at wall::