Shark Sandwich

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: MovieBob is not, nor has he ever been, an Atheist. That having been said…

MovieBob’s Definition of a Flawed Thought-Process: Sincerely believing that a benevolent, all-powerful supernatural being has your best interests at heart and – in fact – “loves you” because he only allowed a Tiger Shark to devour a portion of your body, rather than the whole thing.

Below, the trailer for what already looks like a top-contender for one of 2011’s worst movies, “Soul Surfer” – the “inspirational true story” of that teenage girl who kept on surfing through the Power of hard work, modern medical science and positive thinking  Jesus after a Tiger Shark munched her arm off.

Good God (irony!) does that look terrible – it’s like “The Blind Side,” “Jaws: The Revenge” and Kirk Cameron gangbanged “127 Hours,” and 9 months later “someone” left THIS movie in a basket on somebody’s doorstep. I can’t remember the last time I felt as bad for actors as I do for Dennis Quaid and Helen Hunt for having to be in this.

Anyway, a minor kerfluffle has erupted over this – apparently the real-life folks depicted in the film were rather angry to learn that one of the producers had opted to digitally remove the words “Holy Bible” from the cover of a copy of “The Holy Bible” in one scene, on the logic that this would help the film have boxoffice appeal beyond the ghetto of the Christian Film market.

First off: All of my requisite snark about the basic premise and message of the thing aside… that’s bullshit, a dick-move, and they had every right to be pissed off. If you want to make the movie about these people’s story, and their sincerely-held religious beliefs are a vital part of that story to them, then you’re obligated to present it as such. If you want the movie to be about fighting back from injury through some other inspiration, change the names. But if you want that golden “true story” marketing-hook… you’ve gotta play ball, simple as that.

Secondly… what the HELL sense does that even make? Show of hands: Even without any explicit reference to such, can anyone look at this trailer and NOT immediately recognize that it’s a big steaming pile of “Overcoming Adversity Through Faith” anyway? I mean… if you took every mention of the word “Force” out of any given “Star Wars” trailer, everyone would still know it was about “Star Wars.”

13 thoughts on “Shark Sandwich

  1. Arkon Mitzael says:

    I would love to see they go REALY dark in the end and, when she finally got back to surfing a new shark attacks and she is killed. The last line would be God's: “I knew this was going to happen, I tried to warn her to stop surfing, but they never listen to me”

    I would watch this 3 or 4 times just to see the look in everyone faces in the cinema…


  2. Just Gavin says:

    @Arkon Mitzael

    That would be the Ultimate punch line to a 90 minute joke.

    As for the movie. It didn't seem that hard hitting on the Christian stuff in the trailer, but I imagine it's going to become even more present in the actual movie when they've already taken people's money.


  3. ZAENGO says:

    @BOB okay, unrelated to this, but the ads getting really annoying now. its taking a really long time for the page to load up, and it really screws up the overall asthetic of the site itself.
    do they pay you much if you put adds on your blog? if thats a factor, then its your call. im just saying if your not getting anything substantial out of the deal, i would probably ditch 'em. its not a BIG deal or anything, im just putting it out there.

    ALSO, you seen the trailers for L.A. noire? it looks pretty cool. if its anywhere near as good as red dead redemption, then hell yeah. sign me up.


  4. Blue Highwind says:

    The Porn Version:

    A young stripper looks like she's going to be the best there ever was. She has all the clients tearing their wallets apart for her. But then one fateful night, a gang of thugs attack her and cut off her right tit. Who can she possibly come back from such an awful debilitating injury? Well, thanks to the moral support of her slutty friends, she gets the courage to get the most massive boob job, and then she's back better than ever.

    Also in one scene she dreams she has sex with Jesus.


  5. Timzor says:

    Nothing wrong with being an atheist, Bob. 😉

    Stealth proselytizing sucks, though. First the Book of Eli, and now this? At least this one is fairly obvious, even with the name of the book removed. Anyone who goes to see it is already looking for a feel-good, spiritual-type flick–unlike the Book of Eli, which probably brought in a lot of unsuspecting action/post-apocalyptic fans.


  6. Arturo says:

    I saw the headline and for some reason I thought this was going to be about an actual sandwich.
    Speaking of, have you guys heard of the Kevin Butler sandwich. It's basically a bacon cheeseburger between two Monte Cristo sandwiches.

    Anyway, yeah this will suck


  7. Curtis says:

    Surfing isn't even an activity you heavily need your arms for, or at least it's fairly easy to adapt to without them.

    But yeah when you lose an arm you don't whine, you replace it with a hook or a chainsaw and you get on with your life


  8. cathal says:

    Well apparently I'm the odd one out. Not only did I not get any Jesus-ness out of the trailer, I also thought the trailer looked like an alright movie. Sure it's predicable as traffic lights, but I'm going through a long, mad, moody phase right now, and this kind of tosh looks exactly what I need to cheer myself up a little. Plus, amputees don't get a whole lot of screen time in cinema, and even though a two-armed girl is playing her I still think its good that the depiction-balance is balanced out a little by it. In fact the novelty of the no-arm special effects is part of what intrigues me about this.


  9. Nickompoop says:

    I actually met her a couple years ago (the real chick, not the actress). She's not the smartest person in the world. What's funny is that her story isn't that inspiring. Sure, she learned how to surf with one arm, which I imagine to be hard. But, other than that, she's done nothing. She never went to college, and she supports herself off of her parents' money and the money earned on her “motivational” speeches.


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