J.J. Abrams Presents “STAR WARS: EPISODE VII – RETREAD OF THE JEDI”

CORRECTION: Originally wrote that RDJ’s contract only has one more movie, which was incorrect – he has two left until he has to renew.

Short Version: LATINO REVIEW, who’ve been to Marvel/Disney this decade what AICN was to Warner Bros. in the 90s, reports that the superhero hitmakers are talking to Johnny Depp for DOCTOR STRANGE.

Marvel Studios is on top of the world right now, Hollywood-wise. They’re a hit-making machine – the branding/franchise/cross-promo model that the entire rest of the industry now wants to emulate – but they also manage to do so while making fanboys squeal, mainstream audiences cheer and critics go “Huh. That was pretty good, actually.”

But they’re also staring down the barrel of their first big existential crisis: Robert Downey Jr’s contract runs out after two more movies (presumably, “AVENGERS 2 & 3.”)


Let’s not pussyfoot around it: All the Marvel movies so far make money, but the ones with Iron Man tend to make twice as much. Yes, Marvel made RDJ an A-lister, but he’s still the sole A-lister in their toybox – the only (lead) actor in their Cinematic Universe more famous than the character. But since they’ve only got him for two more appearances at his current rate and will want those appearances to be “AVENGERS” sequels*, they’re either going to have to hand him the biggest paycheck ever or settle for expensive cameo appearances while he pivots toward finding the post-Marvel project that’ll make his career-rebirth story complete by turning him into “Academy Award Winner Robert Downey Jr.”

Marvel does not want to spend that kind of money. They are the cheapest, corner-cuttingest outfit in the business right now. So if keeping an A-lister is going to cost more than casting the nets for another A-lister – maybe one who’s hit a bit of a rough patch recently – then casting the net is what they’d be overwhelmingly more likely to do. Enter: Johnny Depp.

Real talk: Once you get over the ringing sounds of Tonto-speak leaping out of your subconscious at this prospect… this is least surprising thing that Marvel could announce other than “Stan Lee will probably have a cameo.” Marvel is now a Disney brand. So, more or less, is the blockbuster-starring “funny hat” version of Johnny Depp. Disney and Depp both know that audiences are sick of Jack Sparrow, and want a new PG-13 action/fantasy franchise to work with – that’s what “LONE RANGER” was supposed to be.

So do I believe that Marvel wants Depp for the part? Of course, because I believe Marvel would like any name actor to take any part – and I know they’ve talked to him before about possibly voicing Rocket Raccoon and a few other parts. But, realistically, Johnny Depp as a wizard who does elaborate hand-gestures and shouts made-up magic gibberish while futzing with a big floppy cape and tumbling through (inevitably) 3D/CGI surreal landscapes? It’s like he was born for it.

My question: If “DOCTOR STRANGE” – which will, presumably, join “ANT-MAN,” “THOR 3,” “CAPTAIN AMERICA 3” and maybe some yet-to-be announced projects like “MS. MARVEL” for Phase 3 – is going to become, in addition to a Marvel project, as Disney/Depp joint… is it even a question that the very next offer will be to Tim Burton to direct? And before you ask: I doubt Marvel would make any overtures to Gore Verbinski, who’s notorious for spending too much money and triggering delays. Again, fans my recoil at the thought, but Burton’s (aesthetic) sensibilities are rather uniquely well-suited to this particular character, and Disney can likely still pop a raging-semi thinking about how much money the Depp/Burton team made them on that godawful “ALICE IN WONDERLAND” thing.

This would not be my first or ideal choice for this… but I don’t hate this. If this is how it was to go down, I can see it working.

*P.S. Pure conjecture: I’d say the odds are pretty good that Iron Man doesn’t make it out of “AGE OF ULTRON” with Tony Stark still in the suit. As is, he’s supposed to have soft-retired from being Iron Man at the end of his own third movie, and if the movie version of Ultron is – as many expect – a rogue Stark creation (everyone’s guess is “Evil J.A.R.V.I.S,” I want him to turn out to be “Evil Dummy;”) it’d make sense for Stark to either be killed, crippled or otherwise incapacitated doing whatever it takes to destroy a villain he’s sort-of responsible for. They’ve already announced that Don Cheadle will be in the film as War Machine/Iron Patriot, and it’d be well in keeping with the spirit of things and the history of the character for him to take over the Iron Man identity after that. They don’t have to make more “IRON MAN” movies after that if they don’t think audiences will turn out for a non-RDJ actor, but it’d give them somebody on-deck to wear the suit for, say, a “ressurect and/or rescue Tony” plot in “AVENGERS 3.”

When Marvel announced that Paul Rudd was the lead in Edgar Wright’s “ANT-MAN” without giving the character a proper name, people just kind of assumed he was playing a version of Scott Lang, the second Ant-Man, and not Hank Pym, the originator of the role. Now that appears to be official, as newly-minted Golden Globes winner Michael Douglas has been cast as Pym.

This was sort-of expected anyway: Pym is a difficult character, in that he’s been kept prominent through connections to other more important figures but writers have consistently struggled to find anything to do with him (outside of having him change power-sets and secret-identities like pants) since the Marvel Universe isn’t really hurting for super-scientists and Bruce Banner, Tony Stark and Mr. Fantastic are all kind of more popular. Eventually an overzealous artist overdrew a scene of Pym lashing out at his wife (“The Wasp,” who has the same shrinky-powers but also has wings and is a lady) and “wife-beater” became a running fandom gag and his defining characteristic for decades now.

Wright has described the film as a “heist movie.” In the comics, Lang was a reformed burglar who “borrowed” Pym’s Ant-Man gear to pull a job to save his sick kid; Pym let’s him keep the gear and the name provided he only continue to use it for good – which, once balance, actually qualifies as sensible decisionmaking on Pym’s part. Variety briefly “mis-reported” that Douglas was actually playing the villain in the film, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Pym was the antagonist for the movie, or became one (he will likely not, it’s already been stressed elsewhere, be the creator of Ultron for “AVENGERS 2.”)

Realized I didn’t post it here before (busy month for me) but here’s a movie panel from MAGFest mainly stocked by cool cats from That Guy With The Glasses and Chez Apocalypse that I wound up getting invited to join at the last minute – literally, I saw the group hanging out and went to say hello, they asked if I was on the panel too, I said no, they said I should be, so I did:

http://blip.tv/play/AYOZ+lgC.x?p=1http://blip.tv/api.swf#AYOZ+lgC

Don’t even ask me about “HERCULES.”

Also: Five *Entertainment* Reforms Millenials Should Be Fighting For

2013’s “STALINGRAD,” alternately known as “STALINGRAD 3D,” is Russia’s first natively-produced IMAX 3D action the highest-grossing Russian movie in history. Basic pitch: An ultra-stylized (think “300”) war epic set during the famous six month battle between Nazi and Soviet forces during WWII. In yet another sign of blockbuster filmmaking’s new era of globalism, the film is getting a U.S. release to IMAX screens in February.

Seriously. I don’t care what language or format it’s in (or even how good the rest of the movie is), I can’t forsee a scenario where that last bit (starting at 2:25) doesn’t end up being one of the best action beats ever. Wow.

The “big little story” in Hollywood at the moment is that “DHOOM 3” – a Bollywood action movie with a U.S. setting (Chicago, where it was also shot) that was made with a very specific eye on hitting with American audiences – actually pulled off it’s mission; becoming the first Indian film to crack the U.S. top ten (9th place!) and netting the highest U.S. gross ever for a Bollywood production. It’s also a massive hit in the rest of the world, yes, but it’s the American crossover that’s the big story…

This story went around a bit last week. I didn’t pay it much mind because it originated on BatmanOnFilm, which has basically zero substantial credibility on news items, but now it’s getting some attention from more reputable sources, so it deserves at least a look.

Anyway. BoF’s gossip is that Wonder Woman’s actual role in “MAN OF STEEL 2: SORRY ABOUT MAN OF STEEL 1 BUT HEY LOOK WE’RE GONNA DO JUSTICE LEAGUE WE PROMISE” will be more of an extended cameo akin to Black Widow in “IRON MAN 2.” That actually sounds plausible, and goes with what I’ve been hearing all along – that the original plan was for other Leaguers to turn up as wink-wink bit-players in their civilian identities, with “Oh, shit! That was actually Wonder Woman/Flash/Lantern/Whoever!” as a stinger or a post-credits sequel tease, but that WW and maybe others were being expanded to full onscreen cameos by producers who are anxious for anything that will help market this as something closer to the popular “AVENGERS” than the profitable-but-divisive “MAN OF STEEL” (real-talk: like it or not, the writing is on the wall: 2013 ended with MOS as a punchline/whipping-boy for gloomy, bloated, poorly-scripted genre movies – it’s this year’s “PROMETHEUS.”)

The next part of the “rumor,” though, doesn’t thus far seem to have any substance backing it up beyond “Yeah, I can believe this production team would screw up in this specific way.” According to BoF, the plan is to sidestep having to explain Wonder Woman’s more whimsical/mystical background… by making her another Kryptonian.

Yup, that sounds entirely believable. Maybe (hopefully!) not true, but 100% in-line with the reductive small-universe “streamlining” that too many people still think is needed/preferred for these movies.

The “full” pitch is that The Amazons are actually descendants of survivors from that crashed/abandoned Kryptonian outpost Superman found in “MAN OF STEEL,” with Krypton’s genetic-engineering angle explaining how they managed to create an ongoing all-female society. I imagine that there’d probably be some throwaway lines about wandering-Kryptonians being the basis of the Greek Pantheon (among others) itself dropped in as well. Magic? Mythology? NO! That’s too much, you can’t start doing magical stuff when it started as a scifi-franchise! “Too many audience buy-ins,” to use studio idiot-speak.

Setting aside the fact that this would rob the character of everything that makes her unique and interesting, reducing her to just Supergirl with a different name, it’s so bloody pointless. The main, all-important advantage that the “big three” JLA heroes have over everything else in the genre is that everyone already knows them. Maybe not the specifics, maybe not the whole history, but if Wonder Woman shows up midway through this movie and starts throttling bad guys NOBODY who was going to see this in the first place is going to be taken out of the movie in bewilderment: Everyone has heard of Wonder Woman, everyone knows throttling bad guys is what superheroes “just DO,” you can even get a laugh (remember those?) by setting the origin-story aside for later with a line or two:

“And you are…?” “Wonder Woman.” (or “Diana,” if we’re still doing the “heroes embarassed by their nicknames” bullshit) “Where did you…?” “It’s complicated. Shouldn’t you be punching Luthor/Doomsday/Parasite/whoever?” Ha ha. Audience giggles, action resumes, toss in a couple “Great Hera’s!” to nudge the fans, end on a “We should totally start a club, you guys!” and figure out how to explain “Magical Island of Immortal Hellenistic Lesbians” in the next one (or in WW’s solo featu… oh, right. “Girl movies don’t make money.” I forgot.)

Now I wonder if this has been part of the plan all along, hence the constant go-nowhere reminders of Krypton’s abandoned space program in the first movie: A handy way to explain any number of brand-name metahumans without having to get into the various magical/alien/interdimensional backgrounds that inform the DC multiverse. Hawkman/Hawkgirl? Kryptonians plus wings. Aquaman (and maybe all the Atlanteans)? Water Kryptonians. Darkseid? The New Gods? Ditto.

All conjecture, of course, but like I said… it’s all so depressingly possible.

UPDATE I: Bay has posted a brief response to the event on his personal site, in which he puts the blame on himself for stepping on the emcee’s lines and confusing the teleprompter by doing so. He also reaffirms that “TRANSFORMERS 4” footage will be being used to promote the new TV technology on tour.

ORIGINAL POST: So. Michael Bay was the celebrity speaker (which is odd in itself, since he’s not especially known for being a public speaker – for his own work or otherwise) for the reveal of Samsung’s new big-ass “curved screen” HDTVs at CES a few minutes ago. Something went wrong, and… well, watch the video:

So… what’s going on here? Anxiety? Panic-attack? I’m hardly an expert in that kind of thing, but this looks like something significantly more than just “the prompter broke so I’m out.” even if that’s what set it off. Did he take something? Forget to take something? Get some really terrible news moments before he had to go on? It’s definitely uncomfortable – whether you like this guy or not, what most people still call “stage fright” can be the manifestation of real, serious problems for a lot of people that are often invisible to those around them – until they aren’t.

This isn’t (or, at least, doesn’t appear to be) a case of karma catching up with a douchebag like fellow TRANSFORMERS alumn Shia LaBeouf’s recent meltdown; this looks like something is “going on.” Forget whatever I or anyone else thinks of his movies, I hope he’s okay.