I’m hoping against hope that I get to review what is apparently the most successful work of Mormon Vampire Abstinence Porn ever produced “officially” under different circumstances, but let me offer a few thoughts in no particular order:

  • Joss Whedon is a fucking genius. I know I’m late to the party on this, but honestly I was never MASSIVELY into Buffy at any point. Just not my thing. But now having seeing what “teen-angst vampires in high school” looks like as executed by people without the first clue at what they’re doing? WOW. I never knew how good I had it.
  • Lead heroine’s name is “Bella.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow, I’ve got WHIPLASH from the sheer force of how clever that is.
  • This movie IS the Love Story of our time – as in the MOVIE “Love Story.” And much like that earlier film, this one will be loved FIERCELY by it’s audience and make a ton of money but less than a decade from now they’ll all be pretending they knew it was lame all along and NO ONE will be able to explain why it was ever such a big deal.
  • Just about everything you need to know about the mental-stability of the folks working the teen-abstinence/”purity ring” movements is that they’ve largely embraced THIS franchise – the story of a sullen, antisocial teenaged girl who instantly subsumes her entire being into a relationship with a much older manic-depressive creep who behaves (to put it charitably) like a full-blown stalker and worries about getting too close to her because he might lose control of the urge to rip her throat out – as presenting a healthy view of romantic relationships to young girls.
  • Things this movie “removes” from the vampire mythos: bats, coffins, fangs, garlic, stakes. Things it “contributes” in their place: Vampires like to play baseball, but they have to do it during thunderstorms because their super-powered bat-cracks won’t be noticed; and instead of bursting into flames in sunlight, vampires’ skin spontaneously sprouts a layer of Body Glitter. Sparkly, baseball-playing vampires. I never thought I’d miss Wesley Snipes so much…

5 thoughts on “Twilight

  1. Ben says:

    OMG STFU Edward is so hot its going 2 b amazing and ur stupid ur reviews suc kBut seriously, do a YouTube video. I want to see the reaction…And I’ll probably end up seeing this film because I liked all of the books, but as for whether that’s in the blockbuster or bargain-bin eras that this film will go through, I’m not so sure.


  2. tyra menendez says:

    i tried to warn you.i think the real problem i have with this piece of crap franchise, is that it’s held up as something, like, omg, so awesome, but it’s not much more than a female version of something like an all-women-prison movie.


  3. Justin says:

    I hope you post some more thoughts, since this is right on the money. I am really glad I’m not the only one who was thoroughly unconvinced by this fan craze. A Youtube video would be awesome, if only to see the explosive backlash from hardcore fans of the book series, who no doubt would treat this as an act of war. I honestly never thought Blade II would be the antidote for anything.


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