I’m hoping against hope that I get to review what is apparently the most successful work of Mormon Vampire Abstinence Porn ever produced “officially” under different circumstances, but let me offer a few thoughts in no particular order:
- Joss Whedon is a fucking genius. I know I’m late to the party on this, but honestly I was never MASSIVELY into Buffy at any point. Just not my thing. But now having seeing what “teen-angst vampires in high school” looks like as executed by people without the first clue at what they’re doing? WOW. I never knew how good I had it.
- Lead heroine’s name is “Bella.” Ha. Ha. Ha. Wow, I’ve got WHIPLASH from the sheer force of how clever that is.
- This movie IS the Love Story of our time – as in the MOVIE “Love Story.” And much like that earlier film, this one will be loved FIERCELY by it’s audience and make a ton of money but less than a decade from now they’ll all be pretending they knew it was lame all along and NO ONE will be able to explain why it was ever such a big deal.
- Just about everything you need to know about the mental-stability of the folks working the teen-abstinence/”purity ring” movements is that they’ve largely embraced THIS franchise – the story of a sullen, antisocial teenaged girl who instantly subsumes her entire being into a relationship with a much older manic-depressive creep who behaves (to put it charitably) like a full-blown stalker and worries about getting too close to her because he might lose control of the urge to rip her throat out – as presenting a healthy view of romantic relationships to young girls.
- Things this movie “removes” from the vampire mythos: bats, coffins, fangs, garlic, stakes. Things it “contributes” in their place: Vampires like to play baseball, but they have to do it during thunderstorms because their super-powered bat-cracks won’t be noticed; and instead of bursting into flames in sunlight, vampires’ skin spontaneously sprouts a layer of Body Glitter. Sparkly, baseball-playing vampires. I never thought I’d miss Wesley Snipes so much…