The new Friday the 13th…

…sucks balls. Another horror-remake misfire from Platinum Dunes, the cadre of Michael Bay cronies who’ve already blown it with Texas Chainsaw and The Hitcher.

I dunno what movie everybody else on the web has seen. MINE had a decent prologue and a couple of nice boobs, but the rest? Pure shit. The kills are lame, uncreative and shockingly bloodless. The cast of victims-to-be are broad and unlikable even for THIS franchise. And since fucking WHEN is Jason Vorhees a ninja? Not only can this character we’re told is a shambling, mentally-handicapped hulk scramble up a bulding like Jason Bourne, he’s a crack-shot archer and a master of electrical-espionage. And why the hell does JASON, of all movie-monsters, need his own Batcave secret lair? That’s like if The Wolfman had a helicopter.

8 thoughts on “The new Friday the 13th…

  1. Euler d'Moogle says:

    Gah…. thanks for the warning. Should modern film makers learn such nuances as plot, characterization, and evocative settings? Naw, we don’t need to have such things. Just have lots of explosions. It worked in Transformers, right?


  2. Joshua says:

    I wrote something more detailed up in another spot so i’ll get to the general gist of my biggest problem.adding in lots of boobies and sex =/= making the film better. If it can’t stand alone without the tits it shouldn’t have been made. or at least it should have been pitched as a porn film that happened to have Jason killing the actors.


  3. Bob says:

    Have to disagree there. Friday the 13th movies are only about one thing: Sex scenes with murders standing in for money-shots. That’s it. So, in that respect, they got it half right – if Ninja-Jason wasn’t so lame, and if the kills had been better, we might’ve had something.


  4. tyra menendez says:

    the ironic thing (or lame-brained, depending), is the “film” makers criticized the original as being cheesy.what’s worse then remaking classic (even if cult-classic) movies? remaking them shot for shot, like they did with psycho. i was tempted to say “remaking them badly”, but let’s face it: there’s never been a good remake of a classic. and i hazard there never will, either.


  5. Joshua says:

    My problem might be because i really hadn’t watched a Friday the 13th unil this one. So I really didn’t have much understanding of what to expect. So after being educated i’ll agree that it was done half right. Kills should have been much better and Jason shouldn’t be a ninja.However i still think they spent more focus on the sex than the killing. Seemed to me like the kills were an afterthought rather than the focus. Plus while in the theatre i was cheering when most of the characters got killed because there was no shred of even liking them in the first place. Perhaps they took your advice on having hot actresses on film. That if their only purpose is to provide tits and ass they should come on screne, show them, then leave. Or in this case die shortly after.


  6. Bob says:

    Yeah.. what your basically describing IS the base-formula for the franchise. It’s all very Freudian – you show R-rated “teen” humping, then because you can’t show genital penetration, your “money shot” is a knife jamming into somebody. Later streamlined into: Girl takes off her top, Jason whacks somebody’s head off.My problem in this one is that it’s just dull as dishwater. The cast is somehow worse than usual, and the kills are LAME. Jason used to be like the Transporter of slashers – he’d kill you with a turkey baster if that was the nearest item onhand. Some astonishing boobs on the girl under the dock, though.


  7. Joshua says:

    The nice boobs come from the two white chicks having been playboy centerfolds previously. Had nothing better to do after watching the movie than to look up the actresses names to see what else they had done.I do enjoy your blog and game overthinker episodes greatly. Helps to look at things from different perspectives.


  8. Anonymous says:

    It would have been awesome if the Wolfman had a helicopter.Or would it? After watching this movie, I had the feeling it was made by fans, who wanted to make Jason as cool as they could. So, they gave him traps, bows and an underground lair – which I don’t mind.The movie itself suffers from the same mistakes as most serial killer franchises. An unlikeable cast, a clichĂ© plot and weird gory pornography that seems even weirder when you’re aware of what they stand for.


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